I need to get my writing sample done.

I say this and I can feel my blood pressure rise. The problem, perhaps, is that I spend roughly eight times the amount of time talking about how I need to do my writing sample than I actually spend… you know… writing it.

I know that this is due, partially, because I am scared. Scared I won’t get in, scared I don’t have any talent, blah blah blah blah blah. I’m being a pansy. I am fully aware of the pansy-ish nature of my procrastination. The real reality is that I finally have Days Off and I love them. I cherish them, and my brain and body need them. My brain and body would marry Days Off if they thought they could get away with it. {It’s not legal here yet, is all.}

I know this different mindset to be that thing that other people talk about: Relaxation.

I thought it was a myth, at first, but here I am, in the midst of it and all its bliss. Relaxation, for me, looks like not changing out of my pajamas, and three cups of coffee from my favorite Alice in Wonderland mug and Elephant snuggles whenever I want them. It’s a back-to-back-to-back Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn movie marathon, and a four hour nap in the middle of the day just because. It’s a day that I can spend with Maxine surviving Williamsburg and perusing the J. Crew Wedding Boutique on Madison Ave.

Alas. Those days are numbered.

My actual next step is going to be sending out those awkward e-mails to professors asking for letters of recommendation. While they pull those together, I’ll pull my shit together, and hopefully we’ll all convene with our written work around the same time, to blow the roof off Stonybrook. It just feels so self-gratifying. And what if they secretly want to tell me what a no-talent hack I am? I’m sure, absolutely certain, there are professors out there who feel that way about me. Some days, even I feel that way about me.

It’s a toss up as to whether today is one of those days or not. It might be leaning that way. I’ll let you know once I’ve put away my second gallon of coffee.

-MM.