I got the big promotion.

I keep rolling that sentence around in my head, like eventually it’ll hit me and this wave of relief at what I accomplished will wash over me. I keep waiting for that. Relief.

Before he left for Miami, Nick (who I will always admire for his unapologetic honesty) told me that what sets me apart an makes me successful as a manager is that tiny tug of fear of failure that I carry with me. He said that’s what sets true leaders apart from would-be’s. The fear, you see, instills an unebbing desire to push for more, greater success.

Fear I certainly have, with my first round of official visits a mere 15 hours away and my Profit and Loss knowledge not quite where I’d like it to be.

“I’m new at this,” I want to remind them. “I’m not trained at all, and my mentors were prepping for your big scary visit, too.”

It’s not invalid– it’s just also not relevant. The reality is that I’m in the pool already, whether I realized we’d be swimming so soon or not, and it’s now up to me to sink or swim.

And it will not get easier. It will become more fluid, I’m sure, and more natural. I have a lot of growing to do, behavioral to curb and best practices that I need to utilize every day, all day.

That’s my job now. To do everything I used to do every day to the best of my ability, only… better, now.

I turned 24 Saturday. Kristin gave me a lifesize cutout of herself. Mom and Grandma criticised everything I said, did and thought.

I’m a college graduate, starting my Masters’, living with the man I love more than anything, and I got the big promotion.

Exhausted, a little overwhelmed and hanging onto my last fraying nerve? Absolutely. But you couldn’t pay me to be anyone else.

You’d have to pry this perfect life of mine out of my cold dead hands. I worked my ass off for 24 years for this taste of success.

I’ll tell you how sweet it is once I’ve survived this week.

-M.